The Sins of the Mother

I guess if this is going to be a blog of truth and what I really experience, I should dive in with both feet and lay today's transgressions bare, no matter the level of humiliation I will most assuredly endure as I try to parlay my mistakes onto this screen, with this smart aleck blinking cursor taunting me, daring me to muster the strength and brevity it takes to reveal my massive shortcomings, and lay them bare for all to judge. 

Today began as a regular Sunday at our home. The boys, Mark & Jake went to Sunday school and church, and Moon & I hung out and played the Wii, read some to one another, played with the dogs, played some checkers, spent some quality time enjoying one anothers company, as we always do. Moon is my constant companion. We take 'girl road trips', we love to shop, and the majority of the time she is the last person I speak to at night, and the first person I speak to in the morning. Anyone that knows us can attest to how close we are. I walk a chalk line to keep myself above reproach in her eyes, knowing she soaks all my movements and choices up like a veritable sponge, and albeit unconsciously, she patterns herself after me. She struggles to make decisions without knowing what I want her to choose, and I strongly discourage her from that when the situation deems it. You see I want her to celebrate, no revel in her individuality, and not rely on ANYONE to make the choices that are age appropriate for her to make. I want her to be Moon, not a carbon copy who possesses no individuality or zeal for life, a robot who hasn't been programmed to express their own curiosity and wonder at life and this amazing world.

Before you start thinking it....let me add: I love my boys with this same ferocity, but it's a different caliber, if you will. They are older, less dependent on me, and to add to that they listen to Jason's opinion much more than mine, there being that whole Y chromosome craziness thrown in the mix, you see.

As the day progressed & afternoon turned into evening, I began to think of the looming 'return to school and work' that will occur tomorrow. I began to get a little stressed. We dug for her backpack, unpacked the Christmas party items that have been in there for a few weeks, and started to prep for tomorrow as a regular school day. As children will do, Moon began to whine. I was already pretty tense over an intensely personal decision I needed to make, a decision whose finality would close a door that I've kept propped up a tiny bit for the last four years, and that decision was weighing heavy on my mind. I was trying to keep it all together, as mom's do, and get everything taken care of for the kids & myself. As nighttime progressively fell, I found myself consulting my best friends Michele & Julie as to what I should do about the personal things in my life. And as always, the angels that they are, they totally came through. Michele was here physically to help me talk through what the pros and cons of my decision were, and Julie was here via phone, seeing as how she lives 500 miles away she can still help me, and it's just like she's sitting right here beside me...I wish she were closer so she could just slap some sense into me sometimes, though. But I definitely couldn't make it without my women friends.

Anyway, back to my stress level and poor parenting. Let me set the stage for you....Moon has a young puppy named Lily that is not fully house broken. I know I told Moon five different times today that she must help me train this puppy. I was running around the house, trying to find jackets and gloves and answer questions and feed teenagers with their voracious appetites, thinking in the back of my mind what an uphill battle the return to work will be tomorrow, are there any bills I need to pay? Wait, I have a doctors appointment first thing in the morning, Jake & Mark are sitting in the recliners calling out, "Hey don't forget we need a full tank of gas! And we need $80 for church next weekend! And I need some bullets for my rifle! And Mom will you cook a brisket tomorrow night? Mom we don't have any milk or bread....I can't eat cereal! Mom you forgot milk?"

Right about this time the aforementioned puppy, Lily, decides it's a GRAND idea to relieve herself on my ivory colored bedroom carpet, just as I step out of the bedroom, and straight into her puppy urine. Lily looks at me over her shoulder as if to say, "yeah, I did it! What are you gonna do about it?" And begins to march all 3 prissy pounds of her spotted self out of my bedroom. (I really believe that dog was thinking that!)

It was at that precise moment that normally cool Trin who never screams, always says angel, baby, yes honey, and acquiesces to my children's reasonable requests, that I SNAPPED. When I say snapped, I mean i had a meltdown of nuclear proportions.

I grabbed Lily up, marched into the living room where Mark & Jake were still in the recliners completely absorbed in Axe Men or some other Mike Rowe show, Moon's playing in the kitchen sink, and to add insult to embarrassment my bff Michele was sitting in the kitchen burning some music cd's, so she was a witness to my craziness also.

I march to the front door, put Lily outside, and shout, "I AM SO SICK OF THIS AND NOBODY HELPS ME AROUND HERE,  I WORK MY FOOL HEAD OFF AT A STRESSFUL JOB AND DEVOTE ALL MY TIME TO YOU INGRATES AND WHAT REALLY REALLY GETS ME IS NOBODY EVER LISTENS TO ME AROUND HERE!!!!"

It didn't really faze the boys. But I sent Moon into orbit. She started squalling. Seriously. No crocodile tears, this was the real thing. When I looked into her eyes I realized I had earnestly frightened her, and I instantly hated myself for it.

I went to my bathroom, shut the door and started dialing Big. Never mind he's hundreds of miles away, probably exhausted to the bone, with total crap cell service. I needed to hear Big's voice, to hear him say I wasn't the devil in a mommy suit, because he knows me better than anyone. I said something like, "Baby I was mean to Moon (sniff sniff) I yelled at her I am the devil I am (snuffle) a terrible horrible awful person! I scared her I scared her dog what was i thinking (hiccup) when did I turn into this kind of crazy psychotic mom????"
I was crying like a baby. I could not believe I had done that to my daughter, my precious angel Moon, and I felt lower than an earthworm.

Big talked me down. Reminded me that I am human, and that as far as sins of the mother this was a minor transgression. He is so wise, even if he is my soul mate & I'm prejudice. He began in his comforting, 'i love trin' voice. "Trin, listen to me. Stop crying right now. Do you need me to come home? Baby, you are normal. People crack under much slighter stressors. Moon will be fine, do you hear me? Do you get what I'm saying? She will be okay. Now go get her, hug her tight, and you and her snuggle, pop some popcorn, and watch some TV. Trin you've got to realize that if you asked the majority of children, they'd tell you that just having their parents yell at them once would be a walk in the park. Now go be the Mom I KNOW you are."

I sat down with all the kids, separately. I cried and told them how ashamed I was of myself, that even grown ups make mistakes. That it didn't excuse my behavior, but admitting your mistakes was what really counted. I told them I didn't love them any less, but that they all needed to start contributing more around the house. Everyone was fine, once I promised Moon I was NOT going to make Lily live outdoors.

What I realize now, after I've tucked them all into bed with night kisses & hugs, (yes even the teenagers need hugs) is this: I was worried and focused on the wrong thing. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and full of self loathing because I felt I let the kids down by yelling. But the way I really messed up as a parent was by trying to set an example of being a 'perfect' parent 24/7. Nobody can do that. Nobody. What right have I to teach my kids that they have to walk on eggshells, and worry continuously that they're going to let their kids down? Wasn't I letting my kids down by doing just that? Trying to be too perfect???

I struggle every day to keep a fair and just balance for my children. Juggling work, personal commitments, professional commitments, giving attention to my marriage and my husband, my extended family, and lastly myself. I've got a long way to go to even reach the midway point, but my going postal tonight sure did bring me to a more enlightened place where I realize being the best parent I can be will sometimes entail being a lot less than a perfect one.

And I'm a-okay with that.