There is an underlying (main) reason I began this blog. To help me heal, or at least deal with the grief & guilt I feel over losing my cousin, my closest confidant, Marriah Elizabeth, last May. However; I don't feel strong enough to reveal all the thoughts and feelings I have pertaining to her at this time. I have been wanting to share so many things, but don't know how to get it all together into cohesive sentences.
I have found some solace in visiting her grave and letting all the sadness pour out in the form of sobs & tears, those episodes where your pain is so very real you can't have coherent thoughts, you're crying just for the release and relief; because the pain not only lives in your chest and stomach, it's dug it's claws into you so completely that you can almost hold it in your hands, an orb shaped ball of despair, that you turn over and over in your hands examining it as if it's some alien object. That's how palpable grief can be.
Marriah & myself shared so much of a taste in music, that it is now a comfort to me. She would come to my house and we could talk for hours about music, and our playlists were almost identical. That particular memory of our friendship has been a place I can run to when I get overwhelmed with missing her. We discussed music so often, that actually we discussed what we wanted played at our funerals. We had just sat by one another through another cousins funeral, and had went for a cup of coffee and a catch up session. We discussed what would be the best songs to have played at our funerals. I remember her vetoing many songs because she thought they'd be too hard on her Mom. That was her, always thinking of others. It kills me now, that we were just talking casually, and little did we know....she would only be with us for three more weeks. It's a hard pill to swallow, but I'm choking it down a minute amount every single day.
I find music can be a healing river, the rivulets of notes running down, washing through my memories, I can close my eyes, breathe deep, inhale the solace of the old spirituals that reassure me Marriah is in Heaven, and has found a peace and happiness that she so much deserved.
I have seen, my last tomorrow
I am holding my last breath
goodbye, sweet world of sorrow
My new life begins with death.
I am standing on the mountain,
I can hear the angels song
I am reaching over Jordan,
Take my hand, Lord lead me home.
All my burdens are behind me
I have prayed my final prayer
Don't you cry over my body,
Cause that aint me lying there.
Take my hand, Lord lead me HOME.
There are probably millions of songs I could use to describe what I feel, and it would take a million words to describe how much I miss her. How much I wish I had just one more second. To take her face in between my hands, look her in the eye, and tell her how much I loved her & believed in her. And tell her I know that she loved me purely & unselfishly, and I strive to emulate that in my friendships, which in my mind is a memorial to her. Enjoy, appreciate, show the friends that still remain how much I love them, so I won't repeat my past transgressions.
I love one particular song, (the Jamey Johnson version) entitled "Dreaming my Dreams." It is written from a male to female perspective, but just minor word changes describe exactly how I feel. The way the song resonates with me is more about how one interacts with their best friend, the ones we're not too self concious to reveal our deepest, craziest ambitions and plans to. Marriah never laughed at me or my crazy hair-brained schemes. She was never, ever negative about my opinions or decisions. Perhaps that's why I love this song, because it helps me realize one of the things I miss most about her, her energy, zest for tackling life, and her undying optimism. Her belief, her dream that everything would just work itsself out.
Here's the version of words I hear, when I listen to it:
I hope that I won't be that wrong anymore
Maybe I'll learn this time
I hope that you found
what you were reaching for
that way that you are
in my mind.
Someday, I'll get over losing you
I'll live to see it all through,
but I will always miss
dreaming my dreams with you.
But I won't let it change me,
not if I can.
I'd rather keep believing in love
And give it away
As much as I can
To those that I'm fondest of.
Someday I'll get over losing you,
I'll live to see it all through
But I'll always miss
Dreaming my dreams with you.
Yes, I will always miss dreaming my dreams with Marriah.